In search of the perfect scrum...

Has anyone seen the perfect scrum?

Admittedly, I am no expert when it comes to all things rugby. Relatively speaking, having three years of playing experience and only a few more as a spectator, I am a neophyte. But I am convinced that the perfect scrum does not exist and I lay down the challenge for anyone to describe the perfect scrum to me.

As a lower division second row player, I have been in many scrums...knock-ons and forward passes being one of the distinguishing features of low-level rugby. When it comes to scrummaging, frankly, I have no godly clue what I am doing. I bind onto my fellow lock, get down on one knee, stick my head between the legs of the hooker and prop in front of me, and wait for the referees call. On 'ENGAGE!' I straighten up and drive my legs forward with all my might and wait for someone to yell "BALL'S OUT!" and charge after the play (usually after a few seconds to catch my breath and regain my bearings). Sure, there has been some coaching and I have been taught to 'get low' and 'be horizontal' and to 'drive' or 'hold' depending on the number eight's call. There may even have been something that I didn't fully understand about 'crabbing' when the other team tries to turn the scrum. But, in reality, it all comes down to pushing against the guys in front of me as hard as I can.

More significant than my cluelessness is the fact that I don't think anyone else has a clue either. Like me, I think that every rugby forward in the world simply waits for the call and attempts to drive their opponent into oblivion. They try to get low and keep their back straight but, beyond that, there is little else involved.

Why else is it that so many scrums fail, even at the highest levels of rugby? Watch any international or elite level club match and it seems like every second scrum is aborted because of improper technique or infraction...or because it simply collapsed. Often times the calls seem completely arbitrary and, usually, the solution is for the players to drag themselves up off the turf and try again. Either the best and most experienced players in the world don't know how to scrummage properly, or there is no such thing as a proper scrum. The IRB laws are reasonably clear and comprehensive on the subject, yet scrum after scrum after scrum seems to get whistled down and every referee seems to have a different interpretation as to what is allowed and what is not.

So, if you are one of those rugby players who rambles on incomprehensibly about how to scrummage, I am calling you out. If you're that guy who struts around at training talking about how to do this, that or the other thing in a scrum, to put it bluntly, you're full of shit. You don't know what to do in a scrum any better than I do. No one does. I am convinced...